DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is extremely short -- 4 feet, 9 inches. She used to be taller, but has lost height due to age and severe scoliosis. She is also extremely thin. She has suffered with anorexia, or some form of it, since I can remember. She has never been diagnosed as such, but clearly has an unhealthy relationship with food.
That all being said, people feel completely free to comment on her size and weight. Perfect strangers will ask, “How much do you weigh?” or say, “Careful, it’s windy outside.” I can see it embarrasses her, and I get furious.
I am a larger woman, and I do not hesitate to jump to her defense. I will frequently ask the person, “How much do YOU weigh?” Or I will respond to their question with my own weight, then say, “Oh, I thought you were talking to me,” which clearly embarrasses them. Why is it that people are so careful not to be offensive to us larger folks, but feel people of smaller stature are fair game? I have had to remind nurses in hospitals that telling my mother, “Aw, you’re such a tiny little thing” is as offensive as if they were to say to me, “Doesn’t look like you skip any meals.”
My mom is elderly and in poor health. I try to take her out as much as possible when she is feeling up to it, but I always feel myself somewhat on guard -- waiting for someone to stare or speak out regarding my mom’s small stature.
GENTLE READER: Wait a moment. Did you say that people are careful not to offend larger folks?
Wrong. Many people feel free to comment insultingly on other people’s body types and other aspects of their looks, but few hear it as often and as nastily as people whom others consider to be fat. Miss Manners is glad to hear that you have been spared.
You would probably spare your mother more embarrassment if you refrained from challenging the rude person, but rather let your mother deliver a cold silence, which is less provocative but more riveting.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2023 JUDITH MARTIN
DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-581-7500
Stories by Miss Manners
- Miss Manners: Maintaining composure in uncomfortable situations
- Miss Manners: Addressing unwanted abbreviations for your newborn
- Miss Manners: Handling declined requests and friend transfers with poise
- Miss Manners: How to dodge a job referral request from a sibling
- Miss Manners: How to express concerns without straining family ties